For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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