haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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