drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
