half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
