I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
