YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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