Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
