Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
