I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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