i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
