3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
