Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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