i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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