i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
