I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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