I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
