My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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