Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
