you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize