oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
