matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she looked like the before picture.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
