yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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