He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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