guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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