Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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