id be glad to
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
