I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
