I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
