i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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