I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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