I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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