I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
