I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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