how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I could make wine with my vomit
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
