Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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