So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
