and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
