Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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