i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
