If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
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No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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