Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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