He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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