There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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