He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
