I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
