sarcasm needs its own font
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
