I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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