i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
