"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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