also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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