its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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