I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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