I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I am available for nakedness
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.