I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
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I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.