If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.