Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it