I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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