i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
