So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
