farters have to be the big spoon...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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