I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
