We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
