Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Omg I joined a choir last night...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
