I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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