he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
